The “Covid Conniption”: A Star Trek A Parody in 7 short parts

“The Covid Conniption (part one…)

The Starship Enterprise has returned to Earth from the distant future to the old earth year 2021. We are on the bridge…

Chekov to Kirk: (excitedly) “Captain, I’m getting a recorded distress call from a continent on this planet.”
Kirk:(tensely) “What does it say?”
Chekov: (puzzled) “It just says, “Testing, testing, testing” over and over and over again!”
Kirk to Uhura: (imperatively) “Sounds like they’re having trouble with their com systems. Try to open a channel to them!”
Uhura: (with a desperate look) “I can’t sir…the whole continent seems to be… DEAD!
Kirk to Spock: (Intensely) “Spock, What’s Happening!?”
Spock: (with an uplifted eyebrow) “Fascinating Captain. A whole apparently civilized continent appears to have failed to get tested.” 
Sulu: (With an incredulous look) “It’s incredible!”

“The Covid Conniption” (part two…)

Later we are in Dr. McCoy’s Sick Bay, Kirk, Spock, and Scotty are together with the Doctor…

Kirk to McCoy: (as intensely as usual) “Bones! I need to know what happened down there. This could signal the outbreak of a major pandemic!”
McCoy: (frustrated) “I really don’t know Jim. They had the ability to do testing, they could have done “social distancing, they could’ve even simply worn masks, … they just… didn’t!
Kirk:  “Damn it Bones, Why not?”
McCoy: “Damn it, Jim. I can’t say! I’m a doctor not a stonemason, plumber or politician!
Kirk: (intensely) “Spock, What do you think?”
Spock: (with his usual poise) “For a change, the good doctor might actually be onto something. It may not have been a physical problem, but a mental one.”
Kirk to Spock: (urgently) “Extrapolate! Interpolate! Elaborate!… whatever!”
Spock: (calmly) “Some ruthless politicians might have found reasons to exploit the virus for political ends by NOT having the population tested.”
McCoy: (with a sense of surprised wonder) “Of course—fewer tests mean fewer cases…!”
Kirk: (puzzled) “I’ve never heard a stupider line of reasoning in my life! What could possibly account for that kind of self-serving, criminal, irresponsible behavior?”
McCoy: (with wonderment) “It makes perfect sense Jim.”
Spock: (with cocked eyebrow) “I can’t really speak to the limits of human stupidity captain.”
McCoy: (finally understanding) “Jim, these people were either killed by a pandemic virus…or their own stupidity!”

…to be continued

“The Covid Conniption” (part three…)

The crisis—and the mission— continue…the officers are still in McCoy’s sick bay.

Kirk to Scot:(tactfully giving him input) “What do you say Scotty?”
Scotty: “Aye captain. I heard there was also some talk of drinking disinfectant…”
Kirk: (with a lifted eyebrow) “And…?”
Scotty: (doggedly persistent) “I think a wee dram of scotch couldna hurt anything…”
Spock to Scotty: “Mr. Scot, With respect, there was also reference on the distress tapes to the possible efficacy of ‘shining a light up someone’s ass’…that doesn’t make it an effective treatment.”
McCoy: (Under his breath) “Of course… a NOVEL treatment for NOVEL virus!”
Scotty: (doggedly persistent) “But a wee dram of scotch never hurt anyone.” 
Spock: Mr. Scot, your Scotch has always struck me as strikingly similar to disinfectant. Can you suggest a proper dose?
Scotty: (passionately) “I dunna know exactly… I suppose a pint or two would do.”
Spock: (with curiosity) “Taken internally?”
McCoy: (again to himself) “Of course. Scotty’s scotch would clean out almost anything.” 
Kirk: (impatiently interrupting) We need to get down there and get some facts! What could possibly have made these people so ADDLED that they failed to get tested?
Spock: (purposefully) Captain, I suggest I go down and investigate. Whether it is a human virus or just human stupidity, I am probably immune to either…

“The Covid Conniption” (part four…)

Kirk and Scotty are in the transporter room as Spock returns from his away mission. On beaming up, Spock appears dizzy. Kirk holds him up as he staggers off of the transporter platform…

Kirk to Spock: (anxiously) “Spock! Spock! What did you find down there?”
Spock: “Fascinating Captain—truly remarkable. The world suffered a global pandemic of a flu virus. This one nation’s economy, political institutions, and government were all paralyzed.” 
Kirk: “But Why Spock? Why?!”
Spock: “Apparently, they had been weakened by unsolved endemic failures to fund healthcare or distribute wealth fairly. Submerged partisan and racial divisions soon erupted…cities were burned…(actually becoming emotional) It was Horrible, Horrible!”
Kirk: “Didn’t they try to do anything?”
Spock: “Towards the very end, a group called “the Democrats” managed to pass a simple law requiring an intelligence test for anyone who ran for president.”
Kirk: (Astonished) “They didn’t have one already??? Did it help?”
Spock: “It was far too late by then Jim. That should have been done decades, even centuries before…”(Spock sways and totters)
Kirk: “That’s amazing!”
Spock. “Given my assessment of human intelligence, I’m not really surprised. Jim, I don’t really feel well. I think I’ll head straight to sick bay….”
Scotty: “Aye Laddie, but I’m thinking a wee dram of scotch would fix you up!”
Kirk: (Looking at the ceiling with a musing look) “So, in a way, it really was all about NOT TESTING after all…”

“The Covid Conniption” (part five…)

We are in the Sick Bay. Tragically, Spock’s human side left him susceptible to the virus. It was something no one could have predicted! Spock is breathing his last in a glass ventilator…

Kirk: “Spock: Hang on Spock! We need you! You are my best friend!”
Spock: (breathing with difficulty and holding his hand up to the glass) “Jim, I want you to know that I have always been, and will always be, your friend…but…”
Kirk: “Hang on Spock! What is it?”
Spock: “But as a Vulcan, I have to tell the truth…”
Kirk: “Yes? Go on…”
Spock: “I also have always, and will always, secretly want to take sole command of your ship…” (Spock’s hand drops… He is gone)
Kirk: (With a Homer Simpson like howl) “Spock! NOOOOOOO!”
McCoy: (Smirking)) “I knew it! I always knew it! I never did trust that cold- hearted, green-blooded, pointy-eared, foreign intellectual!”
(In the background a bereft Nurse Chappell breaks into frantic sobbing.)
Scotty: “Well, I dunna know about everyone else, but I could use a wee dram…”

“The Covid Conniption” (part six…)

The curve has flattened, and the crisis is past. The officers are gathered around the conference room table. In a few moments they will go back to the future…

McCoy: “If everyone in the USA was wiped out, then who are were our REAL ancestors?”
Kirk: (With his wise, wistful smile) “People from around the world all helped out. The USA was quickly repopulated by immigrants. They were our ancestors.
McCoy: (skeptically) Immigrants?
Kirk: “Yes. By and large they were intelligent, creative, hard-working, law-abiding, polite, and worked for lower wages. They changed the cultural ethos of the USA from one of “rugged individualism” to one of “compassionate community engagement.” They created the federation as we know it today.”
McCoy: “Well! We’ve certainly all had quite a shock. I guess we just need to forget all about it and get on with life!”
Scotty: “Aye, but I’m thinking a wee dram of Scotch would’na go amiss!”
McCoy: “Make mine a large glass of bourbon, neat, with a chaser of Southern Comfort!”
Sulu: “Hot Sake for me, please!”
Chekov: “Vodka on ice for me… naturally!”
Uhura: “I’ll have some of that Romulan ale! I can’t stand all this rhyming! Wassail!”
Kirk: (with a significant glance at Uhura’s short skirt and high boots) “I like the cut of your jib lieutenant. I’d like to have some of what you have…er…I mean…are having.”
Uhura: (simply rolls her eyes and pointedly crosses her legs.) 
(The officers proceed to get TOTALLY HAMMERED!)
Kirk: (Later…Musingly… gazing up at the ceiling) “I STILL don’t understand how their WITS could’ve become so ADDLED!”

“The Covid Conniption” (Epilogue…)

Star Trek log: Supplemental…

The Starship Enterprise is headed back to the future where it belongs. Totally hammered, and alone in his quarters, Kirk finds Spock’s disembodied face looking in at him from the window. It is almost as if he had been caught in a strange transporter malfunction…”

Kirk: (haunted and hysterical) “Spock, Spock? …is that really you? Am I losing control of myself? …am I losing control of MY SHIP?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “Spock! What are you doing here? We disinfected your body, placed it in the shell of a photon torpedo, and fired it back at that planet. Why are you back?”
Spock: “Unknown Captain. But…”
Kirk: “Did you interrogate, derogate, complicate, denigrate, or explicate anything?”
Spock: “I think the word you are so desperately looking for captain is “investigate.”—you know, to simply look for facts.”
Kirk: “Of course, I used to know that, but MY COMMAND RESPONSIBILITES WEIGH SO HEAVILY ON ME THAT SOMETIME MY BRAIN JUST SHUTS OFF!
Spock: “Understood Captain.
Kirk: “Spock, why are you here?”
Spock: “Unknown Jim.”
Kirk: “Speculate Spock!!!
Spock: “Please don’t start rhyming again Jim. I suspect it has to do with TV contracts… and the fact that the shows’ ratings would drop dramatically without my presence…Also…”
Kirk: “Yes?”
Spock: “Like many people on the planet we just left, I find myself with a lot of spare time on my hands. I am unemployed, I have time to think…I guess I’m just hanging around…I kind of resent being brought back from the grave just to be put back to work to serve selfish, ruthless, corporate interests though. It seems like a gross violation of one of my most basic human rights. 
Kirk: “Will we see more of you in the future?”
Spock: “I can only surmise, Captain. I suspect that when you return to your proper time in the future, I will rejoin you.”
Kirk: “Will you really still want to take my ship?”
Spock: “Of course, Jim, but not at the expense of our friendship.”
Kirk: “I still can’t understand how those people could have been so stupid!”
Spock: “Well Jim, that’s because you are OBVIOUSLY TOTALLY HAMMERED! Everyone should have learned an important lesson, but being human, they’ll probably just forget about it and move on.”
Kirk: “Spock! Have you been eavesdropping?”
Spock: “Simple logic Captain.”

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